respek [18 Dec 2009|07:00pm] dith So it's officially been a year and two months since I started strength training. I haven't had any illnesses in that span of time and I believe my mentral cramps are moderately less painful. Training increases immunity to disease; this was the second most significant factor in continuing a training regimen, the second was of course the physical changes/bodily aesthetics. Tighter everywhere, shape and bigger tits. Two negatives: bulk and pain. I got bigger (in the upper body) than I wanted to even though they say women can't get bigger. I would imagine my genetic makeup predisposes me to getting bigger, because my mom and grandfather are both tall and my father and brother are strong and broad. The muscles always get bigger the first day or two. My triceps got too big and my traps and shoulders are moderately large for a girl, so those can get too big. They say the more weight you use only increases your strength but I have my doubts, as training with heavier weight did result in some bulking. The pain of strength training is interesting. The next day soreness can be debilitating at times, no matter how much you stretch. But I like it much more than any aerobic cardio, and when you use lighter weights for a circuit, you get almost the same cardio result. The only forms of aerobic exercise I like would be swimming (backstroke), biking, dancing, and machines. I want to like a sport and will try to stick to one at some point. So now I have decided to devote my usual work outs to yoga a few times a week and one day of strength training per week. I'll judge the results from that after a few months. Using body weight in yoga for strength gain is probably just as effective and doesn't result in gaining bulkier muscle. The muscle pain of yoga is nothing compared to weights. I used to hate the muscle pain the day after yoga sessions, but now after having trained, they mean nothing to me. So I want to know what will result from progressively pulling apart the skeleton non-aggressively. I want to get to the point where I can hold challenging poses for long periods of time and practice staying with discomfort and moving through it using the breath. So the goal is increased endurance and flexibility. Watching Marcello again was like watching some sort of statue I couldn't take my eyes off of. I like the moment of intense struggle mid lift, when I adjust my position and my frame of mind to push and I imagine pushing something out of me. The goal, all of them, is like a physical salvation. I like the burn as I walk to the water fountain and pay homage to my body. I like germs, I dislike toxins. The point of everything is to learn/relate within a system of commands that create you. "Self"-respect i shall be released

to be ocooool [17 Dec 2009|11:11pm] dith [ music | primal scream - don't fight it, feel it ] My mortality stuck me in the side of my gut for a while as I lay on the IKEA couch and we descended into something where I listened, listened, listened into intuition until it revealed the ways in which to conversate. M<y mortality hit me, although it always had been. It was my favorite toy. And I said to them, I'm collapsing, help me from collapsing, give me a beer. He did Lyrica, I stuck with Klonopin. Copious amounts of pot, always copious amounts of pot. There was no need to make it complicated. We spoke same languages, we were just music. Some Velvet Morning when I'm straight. There's nothing left to talk about. There are apologies. Freshest yoga session a few nights ago. Maintained head stand. Felt every little adjustment from Alex. He understood when I said I wanted to exist in the spaces between my muscles. And then he made it makes sense. i shall be released

[13 Dec 2009|03:51pm] dith Did mushrooms last night. Way way different space. Falling into rhythm with Slowdive and feeling like my arms were not quite my own. Diana fed them to us. She's dealing now. I sort of felt like I was far away from everything, as if somewhere else, but felt close to everyone yet voices seemed far away. Time was slower, seems to make the present moment feel longer. Decided to make a different facebook alias and just add the people I really want to add. The file sharing can be cool but it is getting toooooo centralized for my tastes. Who wants to know that much about everyone, even though they're great and all, it gets weird. "Connect with Facebook" "Connect with Facebook" on every god damn stupid site. No one wants to vomit from that after a while? I don't want to see that many pictures of all these fuckin people I already know. I can see them for myself. Stop showing me their pictures!! Although it is fun that due to the endless stream of pictures, there are lots of bad ones to laugh at. The centralization factor is key though, it literally is the willing Telescreen, if you will. They should make one for solely political issues and debate. It could be a digital civil commons. But I doubt it could be true civil society since the internet is essentially Big Brother or panopticon. Oh yes, definitely the panopticon. Like how Leann got rid of hers when she went to Gainesville and became a crusty. She went underground. I still can't believe she's a crusty. She looks even hotter that way. After I danced for what seemed like forever, flailing expressive dancing almost theatrical, Carol and I met up at BBQ a few days ago and it was an actual reunion. I couldn't believe it. She's gone through a lot of shit, but then again when hasn't she. I feel so bad for her in ways but she is a fucking strong chick. Anyway she was telling me how she hasn't had anything like the group of me, her, Joy and Jeighsyn since. I hope one day when we are old and tired of the world we get together again, do lots of drugs, and spend copious amounts of time together making fun of each other and watching cartoons and being idiots and making ridiculous short films. Sucks we all had to fuck each other and Jeighsyn has to be pussy whipped at all times. Yea, I blame Jeighsyn the most. But I've known that since I was 15. Fuck it we can move on without him. So what are the chances I become friends with Carol and Laura again just as I'm gettin ready to leave. But I could be back so more friends in more places still works. i shall be released

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